I'm in charge of the Oscars now
For the first time ever, I have managed to watch all the Oscars Best Picture nominees for a given year. Before the actual awards, even! Check me out! I am now overcome with a sense of incredible power and knowledge, the kind that equips me more than anyone else to Pass Judgement on what constitutes worthy cinema.
Therefore I am abolishing the Academy. It is no longer required in the face of my incredible insight. My opinion is the only one that matters. Please ignore any fake ceremonies that may or may not be happening this evening – I will be announcing the real winners right here in this blog post.
Now that I am in charge, I need to make a quick announcement first.
No Other Choice should have been nominated for everything
Hey, Academy: you really fucked it here! Best Picture. Best Director. Best Cinematography. Best Editing. Best Adapted Screenplay. Best Actor. Best Supporting Actress. This film not getting a single nomination is daylight robbery, and a perfect argument for why only my opinions on films should matter for the Oscars.
Other nominees for Most Robbed: If I Had Legs I'd Kick You and Sorry, Baby.
Anyway, moving on.
Ranking the Best Picture nominees
10. F1
The nomination that made everyone go "lol really??" also makes me go "lol really??". The racing scenes are technically very impressive and exciting to watch, but I cannot hand it to any film with characters this flat and a script this unbearably stock. Also it's way too long.
9. Frankenstein
Great gowns, beautiful gowns. Despite the luscious production design, this adaptation suffers heavily from Netflix second-screen-scriptwriting disease, in that it takes any subtlety from Mary Shelley's original novel and clubs it to death with a meat hammer. Elordi's pretty good, I guess.
8. Train Dreams
One thing I've realised recently is I have a low tolerance for films where the central thesis is a whole "life is strange and painful and wondrous" thing. It is very easy for such films to dip into sentimentality, and I think Train Dreams' folksiness tips it over the edge in the end. Not a bad film by any means, but not as deep as it's trying very hard to be.
It is very pleasant to look at, and I like looking at beautiful shots of trees at much as the next person. But this isn't even the film with the most beautifulest shots of trees on this list (that'd be Hamnet).
7. Hamnet
Strong performances (particularly from the kids), looks gorgeous. I actually preferred this to the original book, which I wasn't a huge fan of, although I'm still not wholly convinced by its central argument about the purpose of Hamlet. This does suffer a bit from some of the same "wow, life..." issues as Train Dreams but does a better job at staying on the right side of the line. However the use of the "to be or not to be" speech here is diabolically bad and arguably the most groan-worthy moment in any of these films.
6. Bugonia
While I basically always admire Yorgos Lanthimos's weird shit and am glad he keeps making it, it can be a toss-up as to whether I actually gel with the results. Bugonia is definitely not my favourite of his, and there's a deep cynicism to it that stops me from truly enjoying it. That being said, I can't bring myself to bump it down just because it made me feel bad, and the push-and-pull between Emma Stone and Jesse Plemons is great.
5. Marty Supreme
As a longtime Chalamet skeptic, this is the closest he's come to winning me over. Marty is a complete shit but I couldn't take my eyes off his antics. The film is wildly stressful in a way that's mostly enjoyable, but a little overlong in places that don't feel like they matter (did we need to spend that time in the bowling alley?). Honestly, I could have done with more table tennis! Score whips ass and should also be nominated for Most Robbed.
4. One Battle After Another
Probably the film on this list I would most like to revisit to see what I make of it the second time around. On the first watch, I found it exhilirating, but my impressions of it are now somewhat fogged over with the colossal amounts of discourse it generated afterwards. I can understand some of the criticism. There are definitely some parts of this that made me roll my eyes, and that final scene felt implausible to me. On the other hand, it's very effective at ratcheting up the attention and everything with Benicio del Toro is great fun. Also, that's one hell of a car chase.
3. Sinners
I will introduce a Best Scene award category just to give it to the "I Lied To You" scene, which is just fucking transcendent and gave me full-body chills both times I saw it in the cinema. This audacious genre mash-up definitely felt like film's biggest cultural moment of the year, and by all rights should earn Ryan Coogler a blank cheque to make whatever the hell he wants from now until forever. Any stumbles towards the end (like that one vampire action scene) are more noticable purely because of how strong everything that came before was.
2. The Secret Agent
A month after seeing this, I'm still thinking about Kleber Mendonça Filho's recreation of 70s Brazil. Arguably the most perfect opening scene on this list. The plotting feels shaggy at first, only to reveal some clever structural choices that make it all worthwhile. Moura is great as the lead, but there are some real standouts in the supporting cast as well (Tânia Maria steals every scene she's in). It works really well as an examination of how fascism corrupts every aspect of the society it rules, even down to our personal memories. Smart, tense and timely – I loved it.
Honestly, this was a whisker away from taking the top spot, but ultimately my heart was with another:
1. Sentimental Value
For all my bitching about sentimentality earlier, this is the film that stabbed me in the heart. I saw it twice and cried both times. It's a story about parents and children, older sisters and younger sisters. The way generational trauma surrounds us like the bones of a house. The capacity of art to act as a bridge for mutual understanding, even when all else fails. Is it a coincidence that my top two films both essentially have chapter breaks? I guess I love chapter breaks. Also much like The Secret Agent, it's also about the long-felt ripples of fascism are still felt by future generations, and how film and storytelling can offer some hope of reconciling that.
On top of that, all the performances are just fantastic. But, most importantly, it has a great house. Therefore I declare Sentimental Value to be the Best Picture. Hooray!
Some other winners
I ran out of steam for the technicals, I'm sorry. There are also some categories (particularly animation and documentaries) where I just haven't seen enough of the nominees to judge. The Academy can do those ones, and then when I do catch up I can bitch about all the bits they got wrong.
Best International Feature Film
I have not seen Sirât or The Voice of Hind Rajab yet because I know they're both liable to depress the hell out of me in a way that I can't handle at the moment. I did like It Was Just an Accident, but logically this also has to go to Sentimental Value.
Best Actress
I missed Song Sung Blue so maybe there's a killer performance from Kate Hudson in there but I don't know. For me, this is a very tight race and I came very close to picking Rose Byrne, but ultimately I have to give it to Renate Reinsve because I apparently can't look at her without crying.
Best Actor
Congratulations to Stellan Skarsgård, who is committing blatant category fraud with that Best Supporting Actor nomination and should actually be over here. Come on up, Stellan! Congratulations on the win!
However, if I have to pick from the actors who were actually nominated in this category, I'll go with Wagner Moura.
Best Supporting Actress
Tempting as it is to continue giving all my awards to anyone involved in Sentimental Value, I have to hand this one to Wunmi Mosaku, who is just magnetic.
Best Supporting Actor
As previously established, Stellan Skarsgård has already been promoted to Best Actor and won it. So this one goes out to Delroy Lindo, who is actually in a supporting role and is great.
Best Director
Ryan Coogler wins purely on the basis of that one scene. It's a really fucking good scene.
Best Original Screenplay
While I don't think the script was the most exciting part of any of these films, this is another win for Sinners (although I found myself strangely drawn to Blue Moon for its Oklahoma! slander).
Best Adapted Screenplay
Honestly none of these set my soul on fire either! One Battle After Another, probably? (Also how the hell did Frankenstein get nominated for this?? Over No Other Choice?????? I have opinions.)
Best Original Song
So I know I've gone on and on about how amazing the "I Lied To You" scene is, and it is amazing, and it's a great song, and a pivotal part of the film, and Miles Caton sings it perfectly... but the winner is "Golden" lmao sorry I can't get that thing out of my head
Best Casting
I'm giving this to The Secret Agent as a stealth Tânia Maria award.
The end of the show
Thanks for tuning in, everyone. It's been a great night and I hope you enjoyed reading my opinions. If you disagree... well, it's a shame you aren't in charge of the Oscars, because I am. I'm 100% in charge of them.
Come back next year when I'll probably be awarding Most Robbed to Ralph Fiennes for 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple.