The obligatory blorbo list
Here are some fictional people who I really like! Maybe I relate to them a little too much. Or maybe I just think they're neat.
The major themes here are "I love the kind of woman that will actually just kill me" and also men who are wretched little worms, but there are some outliers.
Roast Beef Kazenzakis from Achewood
"Fuck man always text before you call me! You know I ain't a dude of noises!"Roast Beef is a depressed cartoon cat and I relate to almost everything he has ever said. I have so many panels of him saved in a folder because all of them are gold. I could probably do an entire page consisting solely of my favourite Roast Beef quotes. Like Beef, I always did what I was supposed to do. Got an education. Taught myself computer science. It's all just shit.
Cassie from Animorphs
"NIN. You know, Nine Inch Nails? I wanted to get the new CD but I was broke, so I told my mom NIN stood for Nice Is Neat."The Animorphs kids did a lot of war crimes. But they probably would have done even more war crimes if Cassie hadn't been there to act as the group's moral compass. As the team's biggest animal lover and most talented morpher, Cassie was always my favourite growing up, and I have never understood people who think of her as a stick-in-the-mud. She morphed into a yeerk and brokered a deal with the Yeerk Peace Movement! She can see through fake timelines constructed by scheming gods! And she did all of this while she was like 14!!!
Rachel from Animorphs
"You were brave. You were strong. You were good. You mattered."Okay, after all that stuff about me liking Cassie because she was a pacifist, my other favourite Animorph is the one who liked killing a little too much. Nobody realised this more than Rachel, and it scared her. But it didn't stop her from doing all the dark shit that the rest of the team couldn't stomach, even when she knew it'd only make her worse. Trapping David on the island! Going on that final mission! And she did all of this while she was like 14!!!
Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica
"You have not heard the last! No more Mr Nice Gaius!"Imagine you are a celebrity genius who is actually so stupid and horny that you accidentally cause the near-extinction of humanity. The survivors are still looking to you for salvation but you live in constant paranoia of being found out. Also your robot ex-girlfriend is in your head telling you that you're an instrument of god and you don't know if that's because she put a chip in your brain or if you're just going crazy. Or maybe she's right and you are an instrument of god, which would mean that none of this is your fault, so that would be nice. But if it is your fault, you're basically the worst fucking worm who ever lived. Anyway that worm is Gaius Baltar and I love him.
Clarissa Dubose from Black Bag
"When you can lie about everything, when you can deny everything, how do you tell the truth about anything?"This is my baby girl and she can do no wrong. I love Clarissa because she is constantly trying to impress everyone around her with how confident and capable she is, all while being, at her core, a desperately insecure weirdo. She flirts with anything, she learns how to cheat lie detector tests for fun, and she is so, so, so out of her depth. I just think she's wonderful and I would invite her to all my dinner parties, even if there was a good chance she'd ruin them.
Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"I'm sixteen years old. I don't want to die."Often the main character on a show is not the best character. That is not the case here. Buffy went through a near-endless amount of bullshit and somehow kept on truckin', but god do I want to give her a hug. But on the bright side, great outfits! (Also the correct answer to the "Spike or Angel?" question is and has always been Faith.)
Pissboy from Furiosa
"Drink, my rig! Drink this piss!"Pissboy is, hands down, my favourite weird lil freak in the Wasteland. Extreme dedication to the bit. Clearly takes pride in his work. Kills almost dozen Mortiflyers like it's nothing, then goes out in a blaze of glory. Witness him.
Smeg from Furiosa
"My smeg will choose..."Okay this is my other favourite weird lil freak. I don't know how he ended up with his gig as Dementus's court jester but he's just having a fun time and I think that's very nice :)
Furiosa from Mad Max: Fury Road / Furiosa
"Seven thousand days, plus the ones I don't remember."THAT'S. MY. GIRLLLLLLLL. As blorbos go, this is the big one. So angry that she's named for it. Utterly relentless, tough as a bag of nails, and somehow always holding on to hope despite going through hell many times over. Slays multiple tyrants. I love both Charlize and ATJ's iterations of the character and will not pick a favourite.
Praetorian Jack from Furiosa
"You give me time, I'll teach you everything you need to know about road war."I once heard someone on a podcast jokingly refer to this character as their "Wattpad boyfriend" and uhhh yep that's this guy alright.
Peggy Olson from Mad Men
"...Pizza House!"I really related to Peggy back in the days when I was more career-minded and, at times, felt like something of an underdog. Realistically, Peggy turned out a lot cooler and more successful than I did, but she was always my favourite on the show. Nobody had a bigger transformation between the first and last episode, even Don's kid who got recast three times.
Mark Corrigan from Peep Show
"Butter the toast, eat the toast, shit the toast. God, life's relentless."This petty bitch. I like Mark because he combines and exposes all of my worst impulses. He is anxious, pedantic and cowardly. He combines self-loathing with a superiority complex. He holds grudges and has a bizarre, deep-seated resentment towards the idea of anyone having fun, especially himself. A horrible person, and horribly, horribly relatable.
Dana Scully from The X-Files
"Please explain to me the scientific nature of 'the whammy'."This is my wife.
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