The Lair of the White Worm
The Lair of the White Worm is a 1988 film directed by noted madlad Ken Russell and very loosely adapted from the terrible Bram Stoker novel of the same name. It's a folk horror comedy with visuals that land somewhere between David Lynch's Twin Peaks, Nobuhiko Obayashi's House and a soft porn. It's got a baby-faced Peter Capaldi as a bagpipe-playing archaeologist and an equally baby-faced Hugh Grant as a sword-swinging toff and Amanda Donohue as a woman I would actually let kill me. It's one of those movies that make me happy movies exist.
A lot of people think The Lair of the White Worm is bad and unintentionally funny. They are wrong. This movie knows exactly what it's doing and how ridiculous it is, even if I'm not sure all its actors do.
Our story begins with archaeology student Angus Flint (Capaldi) unearthing a massive snake skull from beneath the ruins of a nunnery, to which he yells, "YEEHAW!" This is as good a start to a film as any, I think.
That evening, at a party hosted by Lord James d'Ampton (Grant), Angus learns about the local legend of the famous d'Ampton Worm. The terrifying beast once menaced the countryside until it was slain by James's ancestor. Angus is more interested in the Romans, so he doesn't believe the d'Ampton Worm has much to do with anything, but he'll see. Oh how he'll see.
The garden Angus has chosen for his dig site belongs to two sisters, pointedly called Mary and Eve, played by Sammi Davis and Catherine Oxenberg respectively. Honestly, both of these performances are absolutely terrible in a way I'm not sure is intentional (but maybe it is!! I would not put it past this film!!), but trust me, just stick with it.
The real reason to watch The Lair of the White Worm is local snake enthusiast Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohue). Lady Sylvia comes back to town after "practically hibernating for the winter" and immediately sets about luring local coppers and boy scouts into her own mansion under various nefarious pretences (like playing board games). I've never seen Donohue in anything else, but she's clearly having the time of her life here, oozing evil sexual energy even as she delivers the most ridiculous lines. Every moment she's on screen is an absolute delight.
Some other delights The Lair of the White Worm has to offer:
- completely batshit dream sequences
- exposition delivered in the form of a very catchy folk-punk song explaining the Worm Lore
- constant ambient horniness
- Lady Sylvia wearing an incredible new outfit in every scene
- a kilt and sporran with the storage capacity of a TARDIS
- cinematography by Dick Bush
Honestly I'm surprised The Lair of the White Worm doesn't have more of a cult following. It's incredibly silly and over-the-top, visually very fun, and overall just a great time at the movies. Amanda Donohue is wonderful and both Peter Capaldi and Hugh Grant are also good value. Grant now seems to regard the film with embarrassment, but I don't think he should. I thoroughly enjoyed myself watching it. (Check those content warnings if you're sensitive to certain topics though.)
If you enjoy weird cult movies and/or wish there were sexy snake women terrorising the Midlands, then you should watch The Lair of the White Worm.